The saying goes “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger,” but I think in life we die and are reborn so many times before we actually stop breathing. If you think of all the transitions in your life from a state of happiness to a state of devastation, a part of you dies each time. Sadness becomes a part of life where you are grieving for something that you will never have again. The positive that comes from this is that it doesn’t destroy you. Even if a part of you dies, a new part comes along and fills that void.
In my personal life over the last 12 years of being a promoter, I have gone through 4 of the worst break ups that you could likely go through. Each time I have channeled all of the energy into my work and have grown from it. In 2010, I lost my grandma and I had never cried that much in my life up until that moment. When that happened I thought that was the worst pain I would ever feel. A few different festivals went so bad I was worried I would have to get a regular job and stop doing what I love, but my ability to turn negative into positive has always kept me afloat and focused on moving forward.
Fast forward to yesterday, yesterday was by far the worst day of my life. If you add up those 4 breaks ups, losing my grandma, and all the failed festivals and shows I have done over 12 years, it would still not equal the pain I felt losing my heart, my best friend, my companion, and my world. When I first got Bella, I knew she was special because she couldn’t hear, was extremely guarded, but was so loving. I was never a pet person until her and I think it’s because she wasn’t a pet to me, she was my best friend. We have been through so much together that she honestly knows me better than anyone in my life does.
Bella was a derpy little creature with a heart of gold. She was the life of every party, people would actually fight over who got to hold her. She visited Texas, Oklahoma, California, Nevada, Arizona, and New Mexico during her lifetime. She attended over 100 parties and events I have thrown. She went on at least two solo adventures through my Los Angeles neighborhood and always had a desire to adventure. From her snoring to her inward sneezing to jumping at feathers and always getting into trouble, she had more personality than any animal I’ve ever met.
I always said I would die before her because I couldn’t bare to watch her go, but yesterday out of nowhere, she passed away. My last memory of her will always be her on the vet’s table, drugged up, still struggling, but wagging her tail and trying to walk towards me. Even though the seizures were about to take my heart away from me, the last thing she wanted to do was just come to me and remind me that it’s going to be okay. And when I think about it, that was always Bella. Every time I was sad, frustrated, depressed, angry, anything… she knew. She would curl up on my pillow next to my head or come sit on my lap or whatever she could do to let me know she was there.
The loss of my dog is a reminder to live every day to the fullest and to realize that no amount of success, money, material objects, or anything will ever matter as much as the feeling of unconditional love. Her love will continue on much longer than her life and all the photos and videos and memories will be what motivates and drives me every day to make the most of my life.
Some people might say it was just a dog, but those people never met Bella. Bella left enough of an impression on me over 10 years to motivate me, inspire me, and make me smile for the rest of my life.
Thanks for the memories, pup, and thanks for allowing me to realize what is most important in life and to find positive in every negative situation, because there wasn’t a single day you ever let me stay sad.